📩 THE LEWES FC NEWSLETTER
Official Newsletter of the World’s Most Innovatively Unprofitable Football Club
Special Edition: The Tariff Era Begins
Dear Loyal Fan / Financial Hostage,
We hope this email finds you well—or at least solvent.
At Lewes FC, we pride ourselves on doing things differently. While other clubs pursue boring, outdated models like “financial sustainability” we’ve pioneered bold, disruptive strategies like spending money we don’t have.
Today, we are thrilled (read: desperate) to unveil the next chapter in our visionary journey:
🎉 Welcome to the Lewes FC Tariff Scheme™ 🎉
The world’s first fully integrated football club taxation system.
We believe football isn’t just a game—it’s a financial ecosystem. And ecosystems, like ours, sometimes require significant ecosystem restoration funds.
🔥 What’s Being Tariffed?
Everything.
But here’s a quick snapshot of how you can help the club you love stay just barely afloat:
| Item | New Tariff Rate |
| Home Fan Tickets | 25% Just Because |
| Away Fan Tickets | 50% + Side-Eye |
| Hot Drinks | 75%, unless you bring your own mug (not allowed) |
| Golden Goal Tickets | 50%, no chance of winning |
| Alcohol | 25%, plus surcharge for enthusiasm |
| Club Memberships | 145%, adjusted for dissent dependent on your country of origin |
All staff and players will now also contribute via a 33% internal wage tariff, deducted directly from their low morale.
💡 Why Tariffs?
You may ask, “Isn’t this just a desperate cash grab by a club who lost control of its finances after a string of idealistic projects, business misadventures, and enthusiastic but financially disastrous campaigns?”
To which we say:
Yes. But with PURPOSE.
Tariffs ensure that:
- Fans stay engaged via financial Stockholm Syndrome
- Players develop resilience from repeated pay deductions
- The club retains its title as The Most Bureaucratically Dense Organisation in Step 7 Football
👏 Where Will My Money Go?
We’re glad you asked! Your contribution will be carefully split:
- £250,000 – To fix our current financial situation (which is entirely unrelated to previous spending decisions, mistakes, or unresearched ventures).
- £250,000 – To hire more people to help us work out what to do with the first £250,000.
🧠 What’s Next?
In the coming weeks, we’ll be exploring exciting new tariff categories:
- Standing Too Enthusiastically – 10% surcharge
- Clapping Off-Beat – £2 per incident
- Thinking About an Exit Plan – Lifetime ban (with admin fee)
We’re also partnering with a local tech startup to develop LewesPay™, a contactless wristband that deducts a micro-fee every time you show hope.
❤️ Thank You
We understand this might come as a surprise, or perhaps even a crushing financial blow. But remember, at Lewes FC, we don’t just play football—we make history. Expensive, confusing history.
Thank you for being part of our ongoing commitment to doing things the hard way.
In solidarity and slight panic,
The Lewes FC Executive Committee for Tactical Financial Contrivance
P.S. Don’t forget: next home game, kids under 5 go free (but their drinks are taxed at 60%)
The Rights of Fans. 