On Friday, we became the first football club in the world to inroduce tariffs.
📢 LEWES FC EMERGENCY UPDATE
The Official Newsletter of The World’s Most Financially Creative Football Club™
Special Tariff Reversal Edition: “Mission Creep”
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Dear Economically Exploited Co-Conspirator,
Lewes FC is proud to announce a bold and principled U-turn on our recently introduced Tariff Scheme™.
🚨 Yes, that’s right — after an astonishing turnout of zero fans at our most recent home due to that threatening rain cloud and nothing to do with our tariffs, we’ve made the brave, visionary decision to suspend most tariffs for a trial 90-day repentance period.
Let’s be clear: this isn’t a climbdown — it’s a strategic recalibration of our revolutionary fiscal posture™.
📉 THE RE-ADJUSTED TARIFF-FREE ZONE™ INCLUDES:
✅ Match tickets (for now)
✅ Alcohol and Hot drinks
✅ Sponsirship
✅ Players and other staff wages
However, some tariffs remain in place due to what we’re calling “operational laziness”:
🧾 Membership Subscriptions – Still fully tariffed at 145%. Why?
Because it’s collected automatically via direct debit and frankly, nobody can be bothered to cancel for the sake of £50 a year. Consider it a legacy tax on inertia.
🧠 THE OFFICIAL REASON FOR THE U-TURN
While many have speculated that the tariff scheme was “ill-conceived”, “financially suicidal”, or “one for the rook fairies,” we’d like to clarify the real reason for the reversal:
“We are listening to fans.”
Continued speculation that this is the third total balls up of a Lewes FC Cash Grab Fail in three years is defamatory. We shall not be pursuing legal actions in this respect.
📊 WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
For the next 90 days, we will:
- Pretend to engage in “community consultation”
- Rebrand the Tariff Scheme as “Experimental Fan Empowerment Levies™”
- Launch a podcast called “The Deficit Diaries”, hosted by an unpaid intern
- Seek funding from an arts council, a cryptocurrency collective, and a haunted pub
🎤 STATEMENT FROM THE Lewes FC Holdings Ltd EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE
“We believe in adapting to fan feedback, especially when that feedback is total silence and abandoned terraces. This temporary rollback of tariffs allows us to reframe the fiscal narrative while desperately hoping nobody looks too closely at the accounts.”
👶 GOOD NEWS FOR KIDS!
Children under 5 still go free!*
* (Though we are piloting a soft-play surcharge and a crying tax—watch this space.)
🙏 THANK YOU
As always, thank you for your unwavering support, patience, and willingness to fund our ongoing exploration of experimental football governance. Remember: at Lewes FC, we’re not just a club — we’re a cautionary tale in mismanagement and cutting corners.
🧾 And Finally, a Note of Reassurance
At Lewes FC, we want to reaffirm our unwavering commitment to the true heart of the club: bureaucracy.
While other clubs foolishly invest in players, pitches, or goals that go in the right direction, we remain proudly devoted to assembling the largest, most labyrinthine, and baffling backroom staff in Step 7 football.
Every half-baked initiative, every workshop titled “Football As Narrative Therapy”, and every new job title (“Community Impact Officer for Internal Vibes”) all lovingly crafted to ensure maximum payroll and minimum impact.
Remember……Football is temporary. Bureaucracy is forever.
So rest assured: the real trophy is the team behind the team behind the team, all diligently working on the next over-budget strategic pivot while the squad shares shin pads.
Warmest regards and minor panic,
The Lewes FC Committee for Bold Decisions & Swift Apologies
P.S. In the meantime, why not buy a Lewes FC Tariff Commemorative Mug™ – £39.95 + 75% Tariff Handling Fee. Because tradition costs.
The Rights of Fans. 