“Poirot and the Parable of the Purse Strings” – A Forensic Spoof Investigation
I wrote an article and for a laugh put it into Chat GPT, the original and more scathing article is here and the former Part 1 link is to the bottom.
Scene: Hercule Poirot’s office. The blinds are drawn. On the desk: files stamped “CONFIDENTIAL,” a cup of tisane cooling, and a crisp transcript from the ProBoards forum. Miss Lemon is seated opposite, pencil poised like a dagger.
Poirot (without looking up):
Miss Lemon, do you smell it?
Miss Lemon (sniffing):
Tisane and wax polish?
Poirot (coldly):
No, mademoiselle. The fetid whiff of financial mismanagement… a case so misjudged, so irresponsibly handled, that only the little grey cells may bring clarity.
He places a dossier marked “Equality FC, est. 2017” on the desk.
ACT I: The Ideology Trap
Poirot:
Equality FC—founded July 2017, launched with idealistic fervour. On paper? An admirable experiment. But in practice? A timebomb with a three-year fuse. And here’s the rub, Miss Lemon: those at the helm knew it. They said—privately, of course—that it had three years to self-fund. Sensible. But they did not act accordingly.
Miss Lemon:
They escalated instead?
Poirot:
Oui. They joined the Championship. Aha! The financial tripwire. It was the match to the kindling: inflated travel costs, license fees, league demands, and ambition… unchecked, unbudgeted, and unearned.
ACT II: The Descent Begins
Poirot (pointing to a graph):
From £100,000 to £600,000. That was the leap in the men’s budget alone, Miss Lemon. What did the club gain in return? A sprawling bureaucracy manned by the well-meaning but woefully unqualified. Event management? Amateur. Catering? Hapless. Strategic planning? Non-existent.
Miss Lemon (checking a note):
But what of the Board, monsieur?
Poirot:
Ah. Once it was filled with competent hands. But over time, smart custodians were replaced by fantasists. Dreamers. Their dreams fed their CVs more than the club. They fancied themselves innovators. In truth? They were gambling with someone else’s chips.
ACT III: The Ramsdem Mirage
Poirot:
Enter Ed Ramsdem—the financier. He shielded the club from early fallout. But even he saw the folly, and he withdrew. He left a legacy fund—a final parachute. A chance to recalibrate. And what did the Board do with this precious second wind?
Miss Lemon (grimly):
They inflated the structure further?
Poirot (coldly):
Exactement. Instead of cutting cloth to suit the times, they added a COO. Not volunteers. Not austerity. They doubled down, Miss Lemon, as if optimism were a strategy.
ACT IV: The Email That Haunts
Poirot:
The matter of FA prize money. Miss Murphy, in correspondence, insisted on the theory: as the women’s game grows, money would trickle down. Such confidence. Such dangerous naivety. She rejected concerns, dismissed opposition, and perpetuated this fantasy publicly.
Miss Lemon:
And was proven wrong.
Poirot:
Indisputably. One need not be a rocket scientist, Miss Lemon. Just a realist.
ACT V: The Mercury 13 Folly
Poirot (lifting a document titled “Mercury 13 Term Sheet – Unconfirmed”):
Ah, the final act. Summer 2023. The Board had the chance—the moment—to act responsibly. Reduce budgets. Announce the truth. Instead? They spun the wheel. Delayed decisions. Whispered assurances while the club bled.
Miss Lemon:
Players were left in limbo?
Poirot:
Yes. Eight matches. One point. Spirits broken. Cohesion gone. The gamble on Mercury 13 was not a rescue—it was a mirage. Relegation was no coincidence. It was the direct outcome of mismanagement, obfuscation, and fantasy.
ACT VI: Who Is to Blame?
Poirot (standing slowly):
Let us be precise. This, Miss Lemon, is not a tale of economic inevitability. It is a story of egos, negligence, and wishful thinking. The 2023/24 Board must carry the can for creating the crisis. But the 2024/25 Board? They must accept culpability for refusing to treat the wound—adding roles, resisting cuts, pretending the decline would solve itself.
Miss Lemon:
And now?
Poirot (sighing):
Now, the 2025 Board must play janitor to a mess of another’s making. Not a catastrophe—but a reckoning. The time for dreamers has passed. It is time, Miss Lemon… for custodians once again.
#Lewes FC #Football Blog #Non League Football #Football Story #Equality FC
The Rights of Fans. 