A sort of match report, a second defeat in a week, a restaurant review of Leyland Park Bovril, the inaugural launch of the Old Bastards Bovril Club and Word goes surreal.
by Chris Harris
So for the second Saturday on the trot, I find myself heading over to Leyland’s Park. Perversely, even though I have written the Lewes FC fanzine for 20 years, for reasons I won’t go into, after today I’ve been to more Burgess Hill games than I have Lewes. I digress.
But this was an important match for four of us, because it represented the launch of the Old Bastards Bovril Club, 0BBC. A club formed a week ago after a throwaway comment from Dave. The four inaugural members of the Old Bastards Bovril Club met at about half past two. Dave’ Club Daytona’ Tanner, Stuart, Spooky, and myself. What at the moment might be considered spooky is, since the formation of the club, Burgess Hill (that for some reason when I did dictate reads Dodgers Hill on Word) have lost both games. Is it a bad omen? The OBBC club has been created by four former beer thirsty people, now exposed and converted to the delights of Bovril.
OK, so before the restaurant review of the Bovril, to the match. Another very cold day, but thankfully less cold than last week, helped by the fact that Dave and I both wrapped up warmer. The match followed the script of last week. An evenly matched first half. Except today one with a pivotal moment, when inexplicably Ollie Pope felled Billericay player in the penalty area. There were no protests, and Ollie looked absolutely furious with himself. And in fairness, quite rightly so. It was a ridiculous penalty to give away.
So both teams went in at 1-1. Last week it was Lewes who didn’t come out to play in the second half, and Burgess Hill dominated. And this week it was Burgess Hill who didn’t come out to play, and Billericay scored the winner. I’ve no idea who scored it, so we’ll just call him Billericay Dickie. Uninterestingly Billericay always comes out as Benariki. Those of you who remember Ian Dury and the Blockheads will understand.
Burgess Hill’s lacklustre performance in the second half capped what has been a dreadful week. The only surprise being, for the whole second half, the performance was dead, yet only one substitution took place. Final score according too word, Dodgers Hill 1-2 Benariki.
But as a member, a founding member of the Old Bastards Bovril Club, it was incumbent on me to actually have a Bovril. Club Daytona, drinks are free, lived up to his name, and bought a Bovril for me. I’m of an age when Bovril used to be something out of a jar that you stirred in with hot water. But the Bovril was beautifully presented in a branded beaker, and I understand how this works, is Bovril has gone high-tech, and within the beaker is the sealed ingredients. The sealant is removed and the hot water applied. Now yes, I know it is slightly weird having a restaurant write-up on a beaker of Bovril, but there you go. So on first impression, it was much nicer than I thought it would be. It was quite meaty to taste, but a very pleasant meaty taste. And the good thing was, they was a very good portions, these are bigger than normal beakers, which probably explains why they are priced at £2.50 and the packet soups £2. As the Bovril cooled, and it went down quicker, you notice the change. The actual taste started to get stronger. And you began to struggle a little bit, because actually there was just a little bit too much of it and it became slicky and bitter. Then as you got closer to the bottom, you realised it hadn’t been stirred properly, and Burgess Hill Town Football Club, very sadly, do not provide little wooden stirring objects, making the last quarter of it inedible, undrinkable.
So what actually began as a thoroughly enjoyable drink, by the end of it, ended up a little bit of a disappointment. I think if Bovril sales are going to improve at Malins (Leylands) Park, it’s maybe time the chairman and the catering staff considered augmenting the Bovril with a spoon. As they probably won’t, next time I will be bringing my own spoon, and I believe then it can be used to provide a top notch refreshment.
One of the good things about getting older is you don’t really give a shit what anyone thinks anymore. So the four of us were wearing our large, I believe 3-inch I Love Bovril badges, until mine worked its way onto the 3G pitch and Dave had to go get a steward to go and pick up my badge. And oh dear. That was something one would normally find incredibly embarrassing. But age just makes things funnier.
Dave attempted a membership drive right at the end of the game to one of his mates who turned down the opportunity to join the Old Bastards Bovril Club as he only drunk tea. But I think during the growth of the club, Dave will have to understand that there will be knockbacks along the way. And Dave has started considering the mental health (mental), angle of how to improve membership. So watch this space. I believe next week, we’re off to Three Bridges. Word got that right. Better music than last week.
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